Just try to make good decisions...remember our convo we had about morals the other day?
Turn them off?
You were absolutely insistent that the entire bar knew that it was peanut butter jelly time
She was kind of put off because I kept calling her baby my spirit animal and staring hungrily at her breasts.
He is the one I "technically" lost my virginity to.
I feel like you never had a virginity..
I was more obsessed with the sweat stain on her back that was simultaneously shaped like a vagina and the virgin Mary.
I dressed up as a breathalyzer test for Halloween; never had so many straight dudes blow me before!
I'm going to smoke the pathetic stems and miscellaneous particles that weren't good enough for all my other bowls because its all I have left. This is my bag's Rudy moment.
You know what's awkward? Being with your girlfriend and seeing her ex-boyfriend that she left for you while you've got a Ron Burgundy level awkward boner.
For the first time in my 26 years of life, I'm washing jizz out of my ponytail.... High five yourself later.
You slapped my ass and yelled "HOOTY TOOTY WHAT A BOOTY" in a Schwarzenegger voice
If there is a heaven, that's what it will be. Bagel Bites and cunnilingus.
I biked home blackout drunk last night, but I have some memory of throwing my bike in a rage when I couldnt get it down the stairs. No idea on the bright orange puke in the sink.
Just because I stayed up all night betting on Australian Horse Racing doesn't mean I have a gambling program.
I passed out drunk in her bed. Her boyfriend showed up and told me to go to the other room or we were gonna have a threesome. I threw up off the side of her bed and left. I feel like that was an adequate response.
I want to start a guest book for my bed room so when dudes leave they can write a review
Randomize
