I really want to sleep with her friend. I'm hoping our casual sex relationship will somehow lead to that.
Yeah he kicked my ass... He probably wouldnt have hit me as hard though if I wasnt lauging and yelling " I fucked your sister I fucked your sister" over and over again.
basically theres shrimp everywhere. splattered on the walls, in the carpet, its bad. ohh theyre never gonna get the smell out.
I just reached for my seatbelt when I sat down to pee... Might be a little hungover.
he definitely had sex before you were fully potty trained.
I have vomit stuck in my nose, you should come with a warning label.
............HELP Ive been abducted by vodka and its poisoning my brain fat chicks are getting cute and i slept with my sisters friend who slightly resembles john kerry....,,help
Using a 12 year old as a wingman. Does that make me a bad person?
I was doing drugs in the men's room so my employee went in to the woman's for the same reason but left proof and got caught. Had to fire him cuz I bogarted his dope spot. Awesome.
Dave called me blind fucking drunk thinking he was going to die from drinking with drake bell(wtf?) saying "it's all that drake motherfucker's fault" and later proceeded to tell me "you are my twitter"
whose parrot is this?
Honestly, this is a first for me. I've always prided myself on my ability to pretend to get along with others.
You left me a message at 3am crying because you just found out there's a Paddington Bear statue in Peru.
I'm taking a shower and i'm gonna bring my pocketknife with me
I think it’s appropriate to celebrate the start of mother’s day at the bar with the men that almost made me a mother
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