All time low... just gave a strip tease to the theme song from Law&Order SVU.
i just woke up in the woods behind my house in handcuffs and a dan marino jersey ive never seen before
Successful New Year's Eve:: Your first shower of the year is on Jan. 2nd... 'cause you didn't trust yourself to stand up long enough on Jan. 1st. Hello 2010.
I think I would be able to remember how to smoke but I can't seem to remember how to breathe.
I'm making a conscious effort to limit my spending at the bars...i wrote "FOR CAB ONLY" on a $20 last night
So we went to home depot to buy supplies to build a beer bong but ended up buying an office water cooler that were going to put vodka in
At the hospital, the nurse kept telling me that i either had appendicitis, a tubular pregnancy, or an ovarian cyst. I kept asking if i could just have chlamydia instead...
He wore my sunglasses on his honeymoon..... so there's that.
I like to keep a steady black out going for the holidays. I feel it makes me less cynical
He said i got a new job lets blow this money he bought 4 bottles at the club he is now crying after seeing the reciept
Did you really get up in the middle of a tattoo to go get Taco Bell?
I'm coming right back.
you're right. a strip only looks good in porn . mine just looks like a fucked up mullet
The notification you get from snapchat that someone took a screenie is like a formal declaration of blackmail.
She passed out in my baby sister's room so we put her in one of my grandma's diapers, put a pacifier in her mouth, put her in my sister's crib and took pictures.
With a word you would own me. At your command I would walk to your house completely naked.
Randomize
