I thought it was weird that her dad told me to finish and get out after he walked in on us. I like him
Why are all the lights on in my house? Every single one. Someone should turn them off but I'm the only one here and I'm sure as hell not doin it.
What I wanna know is who took a picture eiffel towering her?
i just did the math...im a product of my mothers birthday sex
I'm more impressed with the spaghetti smoothie at the present moment.
I've made friends with the guy dressed as a gorilla that was chasing the guy dressed as a banana around with a super soaker full of vodka. I feel this will be a good relationship for me.
Gave him an awesome blow job on his living room couch last night, so at least he'll have something nice to think about next time he's watching the Tigers lose.
I guess I could probably fit that in between deep self reflection and teenage mutant ninja turtles
You shouted, "LOOK I'M HAWKEYE," and beaned mike with a dildo from across the room.
Yeah, but I think it would be a little awkward to explain to Mom that the girl I brought for lunch is not my girlfriend but just a fuck buddy who I met after she hit and totaled my car last month.
Remember the thing I sent you? "Often complex problems are best solved by thinking like an animal." Hump away!
Well you know I have tits so that's half the battle
I lost my pants last night, she told me I walked into their room after leaving 5 minutes before wearing my thong.....and no pants. I have absolutely no idea where I left them.
I saw a drunk guy run across the street with an American flag between his buttcheeks.
This is the weekend we were supposed to be in Vegas making bad decisions hoping no one got VD, not stuck at home for the 900th day in a row
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