I'd love to come and give you a massage, but we already duck taped my keys to the ceiling...
at least franzia made me throw up pretty colors.
I really shouldn't have to apologize. It was your own damn fault for opening a tab at the bar and telling me about it.
I'm on a no morals kick. That'll be 3 girls in 24 hours....ending 2011 with a bang
You were carrying around a milk crate, randomly putting it down calling out 'praise be to the milk gods' and making people pray to it.
I always hoped that one day I'd have a sex position named in my honor.
I was trying to climb into what I thought was a bunk bed.. Turns out it was just a cabinet under the sink in a bathroom
Can we put this graduation on the shelf figuratively and go drink
HE TRIED TO HIT ME WITH A CHAIR. Stoned video games are NOT happening again
I needed tweezers to get my thong out of my ass this morning.
And then she said "welcome homeeeee!!!" As she got off. Best thing about being back from Afghanistan
Are you drunk already?
Not already - at LAST.
You know, finding my first grey pube at 34 is FAR more distressing than finding that first grey hair at 13.
I DO NOT FUCKING WANT OR NEED THIS INFORMATION!
You fell asleep while I was sucking your dick
I Never thought my late 30s would end up with me getting eaten out on a desk in the managers office of a lululemon, but I guess being a franchise owner has its perks!
Randomize
