Could a canary swim?
Last time I ever let you pet sit.
You were playing beer pong by yourself. Finally someone took the ball and threw it into the bonfire. You sat by it, cried, and contemplated how to get it out. For 45 minutes.
do to the flooding of the park, there will be a midnight bikini mud wrestling party behind my dorm. all are welcome.
we found you in the closet, clutching coats that werent yours for stability
Getting business cards printed for tonight. Would you rather be: 1. Vice President of Argentina 2. Celebrity Dental Assistant or 3. Dial-Up Internet Technician
3. Dial-Up Internet Technician.
Sorry about that whole "setting your deck on fire" thing.
You owe me new eyes. The ones I have are burned with your balls into the back of my eyes. And every time I close them, your balls are right there...
No. Mother. Fucking. Jello shots. Just no. I'm not falling into that trap again.
I'm sooo hungover. I fell asleep on top of a car in a parking lot last night. New one to add to the list.
I need to ask my mom where the drain cleaner is, but I'm afraid she'll ask why and the answer to that will just be "cum."
I received a text promising me sex if I drove to Memphis this weekend. Too bad for my penis that we're watching zombie movies and playing cards.
Does it count as a threesome if your friend drunkenly has sex on top of you while you're passed out?
Can you leave her a note saying "did you enjoy watching me fuck your roommate?"
I will.
Point in my hangover when I'm honestly not sure if I'm about to puke, or shit my pants.
Yes I went home with her last night. I woke up this morning and ran into my boss on the way to the bathroom. Monday is going to suck at work.
Randomize
