Everyone just saw your hickey on TV and on the jumbotron at the hockey game.
Thanks dad.
Every morning i wake up and check his twitter like a horoscope
just because you dressed up as a brontosaurus doesn't mean you can poop in my yard and roar at my neighbors
I just bought 1/2 a fifth of vodka out of an old school baby carriage from a homeless man. Gotta love this city.
Maybe shotgunning 4 days after oral surgery wasn't such a good idea after all...
Sunshine is the equivalent of sprinkling whore pellets on campus.
I always congratulate people on their vaginal emancipation.
I went to pick my brother up downtown and I stopped at a red light a homeless old man comes up knocks on the window shows me his penis and then screams money
Attempted to dodge my boyfriends cum last night and ended up falling off the bed and getting the worlds most painful charlie horse. fuck my life.
I honestly think the worst part about the night is they just kicked us out of the park and we didn't even get to go into Disneyland Jail
I CAN'T FUCK HIM OUTSIDE. THAT'S FOR PEASANTS. HE'S TOO FAMOUS FOR THAT.
Had weird bad dreams about you last night. Please tell me you didn't google my real surname and that you don't go to a needle exchange.
He tried to kiss me in the middle of hooking up... it was a deal breaker. I got off him and left.
So making out with chicks at the bar is fine and dandy, but your booty call can't kiss you? You have the strangest fucking rules...
i cant believe the cop was fine with you saying no we are in a hurry when he asked to search your car
I need an outfit that says "thanks for hiring me" but also says "i want dick in my mouth".
Randomize
