It's a pity Stephen Hawking can't do sarcasm.
It just hit me that I woke up to you in a bear suit. Explain.
He was sweet. He even warned me that his dick curved, and I quote, "more than a banana."
OMG A WOMANS PROSTETIC ARM JUST FELL OFF AT BAGGAGE CLAIM
I cant help but love a girl who informs me of the pregnancy test results by emailing me a YouTube clip of Barney Stinsons not a fathers day speech.
Sorry about bonging beers with your mom but in all fairness you were late...
I'm drugging my best friend. I'm like a whole new level of bitch.
I transported a midget tonight. He got beat up by another, midgetier midget. Is it bad that this is what makes me feel compassion after 15 years of being a paramedic?
Midgetier?
Smaller, yet meaner.
Just beer bonged tequila, broke into the hotel next door and got chased by security. It's spring break
I know. I feel like I should be doing mature responsible adult things though. Like getting loans, working 60 hours every week and not eating burritos in bed, ya know?
When the cab driver starts laughing its a good indication of the standard of girls you are bringing home
Shit is getting real. I just adjusted my search radius for my dating profile to ANY FUCKING WHERE
All I want to do is lay in my bed and eat hotdogs
He answered the door stark naked. When I called him on it he shrugged and said 'casual Friday ' Some boys can't be trusted to work from home.
So apparently my bro is going to make me fix his tattoo this trip... He sent me a pic of said tattoo. Tattoo is of a sperm, on his penis, which was in a woman's mouth... Wth
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