you thought that fire hydrant was a midget...you gave it a hug and asked for a lollipop.
But, I don't have the body of a porn star, so nobody would hire me. Unless they're doing like a trip to the safari and they need an albino rhino
Prereq for being on nyc prep: money, bitchy, and a lazy eye... if only you were rich
So she said she wears a diaper when she's on her period and I'm not going to lie, I kind of want to see the diaper.
Whyyyyy do my fingers smell like Chinese food.
Someone left a shot of disaronno in a champagne glass here this morning... flip a coin?
Omg. In the pub, there's a guy shouting at the olympic channel 'yeah! Kill that motherfucker!' we're watching figure skating.
Listening to her yell about my drinking problem is not helping my hangover.
I got a bikini wax for the first time today and I think I now understand feminism.
I have an asthmatic alcoholic for a roommate. That can't be safe.
There are at least 3.6 billion human cocks in this world. Get some. Get as many as humanly possible. Literally. Do it. 1-2-3 go!
I think it says something about my life when I start picking up girls while im in rehab. And I don't think it's good.
Don't worry, I'm preparing for tonight by lining my purse with a garbage bag.
Who's the captain of your team? Captain Morgan as usual?
And me
Now with the essential back story, I can empathize. Sorry about your beer and butthole.
Randomize
