i was just outside smoking and i saw a hooker sing "i wish i knew who your daddy was" to her new born baby. someone explain to me why i ever left chicago to go to college...
so today I found out that she used to be a he....
are you gonna get a divorce?
Don't feel too badly. Until twenty minutes ago my paper was a heading and a pizza order.
Just lit a joint with steel wool and a 9 volt battery... thank you 3rd grade science class
Most of the bar is playing trivia I'm playing destroy a relationship in twenty questions
He told me the color of his piss. Worst. First date. Ever.
We got banned from that Whataburger for life. WHATABURGER. Which is saying something. They deal with drunk dumbasses every night.
Tequila happens.
You rubbed a frozen pizza in my face. The concerning part was that it was semi cooked from our body heat
It is a bad day indeed when you learn that your boy toy looks better in your dresses than you do
He said he was Greek American and that is why my legs slammed shut. During the World Cup there are only Americans.
Dude, I totally just made my launch phrase on my new phone "Wingardium Leviosa" so that when people try it and it doesn't work I can say, "It's leveeOHsa, not leveeoh-SA."
Where does drinking Flat, warm beer from two days ago rank of the No Fucks Given scale?
Being pregnant feels like you have a hangover everyday.. Don't listen to what anyone says about how wonderful it is
Somehow reaching for the flaming hot cheetos ended up in the best sex of my life
Apparently the girl he banged in the bathroom yelled at him for hitting on me all night. But whatever, he was holding her hand for most of it
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