if i had a dollar for every time ive had to piece a night together like they did in "the hangover", i bet i could outsell their weekend box office earnings...
my mind is a poorly written porno when i'm drunk.
she was giving me head and that cheryl crow 'youre favorite mistake' song came on. she looks up and all i could do was nod
My favorite part about you getting arrested is having to explain the prosthetic leg in the front seat.
No flamethrowers. That is a direct order.
Hey couldn't find water bottle to put margs in whole bottle in purse gonna stop and get cups and ice from starbucks and burrito from una mas want a quesadilla
I have to take his virginity. It's what God put me on earth for. It's my life mission.
that ring i bought was worth the 6 bucks. wore it to the bar, told some girl i was recently divorced and wasnt ready to take it off. just got laid. THRICE.
I think this agreement was sent by God. I get to do my own thing, get laid, and he still makes me breakfast in the morning.
i spilled a box of white cheddar cheezits on the bathroom floor about 2 days ago. when i went back to the house he yelled at me from the bathroom: "THANKS FOR THE CHEEZITS, I'll ALWAYS HAVE A SNACK FOR WHEN IM SHITTING NOW!"
Of course I'll be there. I never miss an opportunity to smell like cigarettes, cheap beer, and shame.
It's hard picking what to wear when you know the plan is sex. Like can't I just wear my robe let's just simplify this.
Everyone should just give me a copy of their keys. I take your dog out and I bring beer.
Oh hello Jordan's parents, I'm here to have sex with your son. He's in the shower? Oh great, I'll join him
just had an acid flashback in my therapist's office. i am a walking stereotype
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