you kept begging me not to tell anyone you had been a bat in another life
You can't like Harry Potter and Twilight. You have to pick. Vampires and Wizards are mutually exclusive.
and all i could think about was how mcdonalds would not be open anymore after we were done having sex
He's having a heart to heart coversation with the keg about what he should do with his life.
What do you wear to apply at a strip club?
But first time having sex and he went down on me twice?! I'm gonna marry this guy
I'll make sure to include that in my bridesmaid toast
I gave up yolo and cigarettes for lent. I owe god a sincere apology.
no im not bringing booze its easy, you just challenge a drunk guy to beer pong, he'll hand you two beers, you lose on purpose, and everyone makes fun of you. but we laugh in the end for bringing nothing to a byob
I'm not a horrible person, I just see what everyone chooses to politely ignore.. And occasionally say it aloud whilst deeply intoxicated.
Why do I have a bunch of cash....and your bra.
I showed him my toy collection and he goes, "You won't need those anymore," and dropped his pants. I threw the House of Pleasure out last night.
I just forgot I was standing up.
When Ben was deep throating pickles last night I actually reconsidered our relationship
Every person I've ever had sex with is in Chipotle right now.
OH DEAR GOD IT GOT IN MY MOUTH AGAIN HELP
Randomize
