I'm gonna have a badass scar
Note: footlong is not the password to the subway wi fi network.. p.s- im super high
my hippie aunt just sent me some brownies with a note saying not to eat them under any circumstances until finals are over. excited.
I'm honestly too sad to drink and hang out with strippers. This breakup sucks.
we are playing family charades. my sister pointed at me. everyone guessed alcoholic.
It looks alright. The blow up doll is in the microwave, and she has forks in her ass
Do you know how hard it is to write about pediatric crohn's when we're trying to figure out the keg situation for graduation?
I only remembered where urgent care was because it's across the street from my favorite bar
Just saw 1 guy dressed as a cow and another dressed as a shrimp dancing on the side of the road. We're turning around I NEED to dance with them.
Stand up sex. Extremely, extremely difficult. I now know how pointe dancers feel.
The owner of this phone is no longer accepting texts from liars, assholes or married men. You figure out which one applies.
He called me at two in the morning to tell me he was throwing the tiny Thor hammer at moving vehicles. Apparently he missed the guy on the motorcycle.
Well he can play the xylophone with his erect cock... So he's got that going for him
Holy fucking shit the worst thing for a hangover ever--A FUCKING BOLLYWOOD MOVIE BLARING IN CLASS
We got stoned and watched Disney movies all night. I think I'm in love.
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