What did we do last night that was yellow?
I can't believe he would be such an ass
Your boobs are way too big for you to be worrying about anything.
Then I received a text in French, that roughly translated to "all you'll ever be good for is sex on the Internet"
you pushed her into a kiddie pool and knocked out her front teeth... and you still managed to get laid. what. the. fuck.
i think smoking weed in a ladies bathroom on the beach with two dudes might be the shadiest thing ive done in a while
To be clear, the next time I wake up with your dick inside me, I will reach down and grab one and squeeze until it pops like a grape. You've been warned.
you're the one asking for my vibrator at 4 in the morning so reconsider your life
Hooked up with a guy dressed as Miss Frizzle last night... Asked if I could ride his Magic School Bus
Did you take the full box of samoas or do I not remember getting baked and eating half a box by myself?
I wore a bathing suit downtown so I didn't have to put on underwear, I obviously don't have my shit together
He tried to brush a hair off my cheek, but turns out it was just a freakishly long chin hair. So no, we didn't bang.
I took the beard trimmer to my balls this morning.\nMuch blood. Much blood from my scrotum.
I'm sexting at my family's 4th of July BBQ and I feel no shame....
My vibrator broke.
Dude it's been less than twelve hours. Did you sleep?
Don't worry about that. I need a new vibrator.
Hey. Did I get punched in the face last night?
Yeah. I told you I would and you didn't believe me.
Randomize
