I just caught myself dancing like an old lady in the shower. Have I reached the age where booty dancing stops and swaying of the upper body begins?
to cover up your slurred speech you tried talking like the creepy old man from family guy
Yeah! I got cockblocked by the blizzard last night. Lost girl on way to my apartment. Not a joke
The beer is more important than you right now.
Just know that as we speak i am injecting vodka into gushers
that girl from work that wants to bone me just said 'the last time i went this long without sex was in jail'. sup, red flag
He told me that a camel appeared out of nowhere and it told him to quit smoking...
The liquor stores are closed! NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO! CURSE YOU SANDY!!!!
it's all fun and games til I text you in last nights clothes with a head bleed
I don't think a gay three way is the best way to confirm your sexuality.
The appetizer at the dinner I went to tonight was Klonopin and a Bloody Mary.
so i woke up at six am and his bathroom was flooded. i think i fucked shit up in my sleep.
My roommate just woke up to me masturbating in our room. I figured this would happen eventually.
Im sorry for telling you id rather jump into traffic than date you again. I didnt mean to be so rude
Great, now I'm picturing myself as a fucking garden gnome
Randomize
