I woke up wearing no shirt sleeping next to a half-eaten grilled cheese.
Well did you call the grilled cheese yet? Or r u waiting the usual 3 days?
I thought we agreed I wasn't a screamer?
We did lines off of a Whitney Houston CD case. That makes everything okay.
I'm sure it was awkward. I've never had a professor expose parts of them to me before.
You've slept with me you know how lazy I am in bed.
his eyes are fucked up, he bumped into the cabinet while standing in my office, and he's pounding chicken soup, and he must have chewed on 8 pieces of gum before he got here.
Drinking down Plan B with a 5 hour energy. Winding down welcome week in style.
She gets me. First thing she said this morning "I'll buy breakfast if you can tell me my name."
How did "late lunch" turn into 8 solid hours of drinking??? I feel like death.
Yes I slept with him, he was the only one not wearing a costume. Guys with costumes are just trying to impress you.
8===D
That's the bat signal to come over and fuck me.
THEY SELL PREFROZEN MARGARITAS AND THEY COME WTH A STRAW. MY PRIORITIES ARE IN ORDER
I'm drunk and I have your birth certificate
I knew full well that at some point during the night my penis would be out with this costume choice
How high are you rn
Well I just ate a cheesecake straight from the box with a fork and now I’m laying upside down in a recliner chair seeing if I can Uber eats Doritos
So not that high
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