I was just about to go down on her when she gave herself a "smell check" and said "no, not today".
finally achieved: got laid in the religion section of borders. thought you should know.
the entire lecture hall sighed when the prof announced that there will be an exam on 4/20
To put it in a frame of reference with which you're familiar, it was like making out with a golden retriever.
Ur dog was like a damn middle school chaperone this morning trying to lay between us after what he saw us do last night
Go big or go home. Or get a live in house boy you met 7 years ago and feel like you have unfullfilled potential. You know, the usual
I've had more jaegerbombs than I can count on 3 fingers
Well I took a spicy wing shit in a field this morning.
When you're high, you dance like an injured velociraptor.
he brought with him gifts of cookie dough and penis. upgrading our relationship from fwb's to bf/gf was an incredibly smart merger.
Moms love me. I'm the reminder that they need to turn safe search on.
I went to an adult Halloween party last night dressed as Mrs. Doubtfire, but I woke up on a stranger's couch surrounded by sleeping children in karate gi's. And I accidentally flushed my granny wig mid-puke, so if they wake up I'm gonna have to convince them that I'm just a weird older man and not a terrible cross dresser.
How did you come to this point in your life?
Good bartenders.
I just texted my mom from a strip club.
Let's just grow old together and be the crazy ladies that sit on the park bench, drinking booze from flasks and loudly talk about people who walk by.
In other news, I’ve officially fucked a grandpa.
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