You told him your wedding ring was part of your costume. not okay!!
He shit in the bushes next to the pool at the Venetian, after throwing up in the hallway. You really can do anything in Vegas.
As soon as he lost the election, the reception's open bar became a cash bar. I have never been so disappointed in my countrymen.
Second wave of rafting ended in a concussion. Don't worry though, the paramedic says it's still not considered a DUI.
Just got super judged by a walmart cashier for buying diet pills and candy in the same transaction. Like she has her life figured out.
I'm on my "fiiiiirrrst" glass of wine- the quotes mean it's the last of the bottle- so I really need you to pick up your phone so we can talk about this
You tried to initiate "Occupy McDonald's" when the cashier didn't give you enough ketchup.
Yeah. You can ask him out. We're just fuck buddies. My vagina will be sad but your heart can be happy.
Dude you're alone at a bar with a woman, and you're talking about my junk?
Dude, she's the greatest salesman alive. she convinced chelsea to buy a box of Cheerios for $20. She can find your dick some willing pussy.
But he was wearing a glow-in-the-dark condom. It was like a glowing rod of kryptonite. I can't resist that, kryptonite is my weakness.
This guy smelled his armpits before trying to approach me at the bar
I would rather her be sleeping with someone new than getting to go Harry Potter world before me...
Yeah you were fine except for when you peed under the bar
She had a baby Jesus butt plug
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