No one appreciates an amoeba in a balloon hat.
I just saw a woman parallel park a horse. Awesome. Only in New York..
So I just passed a billboard for "Risque Cafe: Good food and topless women". Fuck. I love SC.
I just spent the last two hours on the phone with Emily trying to explain to her how to finger herself.
sweet and enthusiastic is code for tiny dick.
Succesfully slept on the roof at work for 3.5 hours without getting caught. I need a promotion
I can't. I will literally throw up my liver
Why dont you be an ebola patient for halloween? You can totally throw up and itll be part of your costume.
Wake up we need to beat the walk of shame rush hour
You were pouring Patron into the window of the squad car trying to get the police dog to drink it
So thats why that cop beat my ass?
Probably
Lube filled water balloons always make for a good time
And I'm determined to make an Eiffel Tower happen sometime. I just don't know who will take the pic (first world sex problem?)
Fucked him in his sketchy van in the Applebee's parking lot. In other news, my dry spell is over.
I just tried to pass the bowl to my dog for 2 minutes before I remembered she isn't human. It is 7:27 am.
Once you find out someone has a small dick, you never look at them the same again.
Why don’t they have healthy alcohol yet?
Randomize