my dad just beat the shit out of me cuz i blew my nose on one of my dirty t shirts and he saw it and thought it was cum.
considering I showed up there after a xanax, 2 bottles of champagne and some coke, no shirt and someone else s husband... I'm sure you can figure that one out.
She looked at it and said "your dick is like the golden gate bridge."
Sometimes I seriously wonder if I could get away with vodka Sundays at work. Cuz this red bull feels naked.
Is percocet and coffee considered a balanced breakfast?
Thanks be to the Goddess of Whores!! I straightened my bed before Ken got here. Found Calvin's boxers in the sheets!!!!
How many strippers in the world do you think have had a debate with someone about the NRA?
Also, beer. Big fan.
I'm sad that I feel like I need to temporarily change your name in my phone from Smashley until you have the baby and can be unsober with us again.
Saw 2 lesbians fist fighting outside the bar tonight. I was startled yet slightly turned on
Idk. The bad part of me thinks it's a good idea. The bad part is also the stupid part.
I was so high I just stared at the papa john's app on my phone and cried
Like I just wanted some midlife crisis fun, not drama as big as his dick.
I lost my wallet so I paid for my cab ride home with a sausage sandwich I found in my purse. Must have thought it was my wallet.
Wtf did i hit my head on?
Tequila
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