Well my night just got interesting. I just home from the police station. Hope you had a fun night out!
Alex, there's no such thing as a fancy sex store.
screw that ipod for my birthday.. i just want a weed brownie the size of my face. that's all.
How long after st. Patrick's day is it ok to shit green before I should seek medicial attention?
Ordered weed last night from the delivery service, and who showed up...my old real estate broker. He said, "this is less stressful." Duh.
I'm just gonna go nail your roommate after we break up anyway.
She somehow inhaled a tack last night, she's having surgery today.
No, you always delete them without reading. Enjoy the virtue of morning innocence. What are you doing today.
I feel like we should at least be hungover if we're gonna be this grown up.
If kinky sex was an Olympic sport they would be playing the anthem for me as we speak.
You were pouring Patron into the window of the squad car trying to get the police dog to drink it
So thats why that cop beat my ass?
Probably
i feel like i should invite him over so he can cockblock my roommate one last time before he graduates. for old times sake, ya know
When did angry sex become our thing?
So ive come to the realization that my affinity for tattooed guys makes me the literal definition of tit for tat
Snorted a dorito chip for 1$. Cross that off the bucket list.
Randomize
