Mom found my vibrator. all the said was 'wow, I've never seen one like this before.'
we don't live in the stone age anymore, mom
dude so we were eating nacho cheese popcorn and chasing it with cole slaw
by the way nacho cheese popcorn is me making popcorn and then adding milk butter and mac n cheese mix
I love having a boyfriend. I just ate pancakes with regular syrup and chocolate syrup, I havent shaved my legs in a week, and Im still going to get laid tonight.
fuck. you.
update. expensive tequila only makes the mistakes more expensive.
I distinctly recall there being a "I can't be dead 2maro" stipulation to going out last night. There's been a breech of contract
That's the international "my vagina is unoccupied, come talk to us" chant. You have your mission. Go.
Remember when I got my car stuck in my backyard?
Sarah's knitting me a hat as an apology for unknowingly making out with my boyfriend
I love it when he cheats on me with nice people
Nursing home in NJ just got busted for prostitution and drugs...dropping off my deposit tomorrow
I really wanna just be like, can you just eat me out and stop whining
I think that would solve a million problems
I just tried to order ice cream on my bagel. I think I should just call it
Why are there so many fucking Lambchop puppets hidden around my house?!
I ate icecream cake off your tits for my birthday, if that's not love I don't know what is.
Does it get any better than dating a guy with a vasectomy? The answer is NO. No it does not
I just unmatched him. If your Thirsty Thursday only consists on the gym then I am not the woman for you ✌🏻️
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