i am only reminding you that showing off your fellatio skills on vegetables is probably not an appropriate party trick
he wrote Vegans should suck on cow dick on her wall with permanent marker. thats how he got the black eye
I just came up with the perfect plan. Once i'm a dentist i'm going to offer dad a million dollars to divorce mom.
You hooked up with 4 random girls, avoided your grilfriend finding out about it, and dodged traffic on Park Ave. Can you say luck of the Irish?
Awkward interaction of the day: Staring at some guy trying out if he is or is not the guy that woke me up yesterday by getting arrested in front of my apartment.
she smells like cat throw up and cupcakes. i'm trying to focus on the cupcakes but it's really. hard.
I promise a much better performance tomorrow than last night my penis has a bed time
I fill condoms, not promises.
She called to say her plane was running late and i had 30minutes to get to the airport for bathroom sex
I am literally drinking 7 day old water and looking for snacks in my room so I won't have to go in the hall and see roommate, because we accidentally banged last night. Please bring over some chicken and plan b.
Lesson learned. No more vodka and toaster strudel
Whatcha doing tonight? Reply TURNUP if you are drinking, or STOP to cancel messages
He said my vagina is harder to escape than the Temple of Doom.
I could tell my life story through kermit memes
Does this cleavage amount say, “Fuck it, I’m over dating, let’s just fuck?”
Randomize
