I learned much from the teen babysitter: I can light a cigarette in a microwave.
When I told my boss I'm using a vacation day for 4/20, he gave me his personal cell phone number and winked at me.
Sonogram pictures belong on a fucking fridge...NOT FACEBOOK!!
I have to be home in time to watch my friend on that Lifetime show about having babies. And by friend, I mean the girl I had a lesbian experience with at a party 3 years ago.
Yeah but he's impersonating a gargoyle jumping off of everything. Including the walls.
Just so everyone's clear, it was already on fire when I got there.
I have too much pride to pick his chest hair out of my mouth again
Lesbian sex in an alleyway drunk.
At a party. It smells like teen pregnancy and sadness in here.
The cabbie told me fat girls shouldn't wear tight clothes, and that he feels bad for the guys that have to be underneath them, especially because their positions are "very limited" and proceeded to ask me if I had a trash can and if I could throw something away for him. Don't worry though, he promised it wasn't anything "bad". He then handed me a tied up grocery bag with a bunch of wadded up Kleenex that weighed about 3 pounds. To answer your question, yes I made it home. Fml
I just stood on my roof naked pouring vodka onto my garden. sweet dreams
I know he is still a student. I am not asking if his being an underwear model makes it more ethical, just less prosocutable.
i definitely signed you up to receive text message notifications from a jukebox last night. Not even sorry.
I kinda forgave him after he laid next to me and rubbed my arm for four hours while I tripped balls.
He drives a PT Cruiser.... that should have been my first clue.
Randomize
