YOu come back ASAP and we will do whatever you want baby
I made out with a fat chick last night in a hot tub... btw I am breaking up with you
final count. 18 beers. 4 shots baileys. 2 shots vodka. 1 glass champagne. vomited in the yard after losing my phone in a field for 8 hours. Possibly played tag with myself
I don't care how bad it tastes, i just put it in my mouth and deal with it
call of duty 2 was the straight man's twilight
Why does Thanksgiving make hot girls feel disgusting and fat girls feel horny? Its killing my prospects.
You fell on your face and the waitress just brought you a fresh drink
Frankly, since I met you, I practically exist in a state of constant readiness for sex
I've got to stop fucking tourists. If Chicagos piazza is anything like their dicks. I'm moving.
You were carrying a 6 ft lamp that we stole on your back yelling "OHANA MEANS FAMILY AND FAMILY MEANS NOBODY GETS LEFT BEHIND"
STOP IT RIGHT NOW IM BEING A SINLESS CHILD OF GOD IN BED TRYING TO SLEEP AND YOURE SENDING ME MEMES ABOUT DICKS
How did they ever let a trainwreck like myself run a bar?!
Based on my calculations, I should be blackout by approximately 11:14pm and that's when I need you to take my phone away from me. Mkay?
im shaving my vagina and listening to frank sinatra, im coming over after
and then she sorta stared at me like "holy shit" and I looked down and my dog was licking her ass
Ruff night.
Randomize
