your drunk exhusband is tryin to get with my drunk exgirlfriend. i think its funny. if you still talk to him dont say anything.
we're not divorced.
Someone wrote that you're a whore in one of the bathroom stalls
I didn't know I was popular enough to be hated. This is awesome
I had a dream last night that Anthony Bourdain gave me a vibrator.
if you google earth my address you can see me getting out of my car. finally my moment of being famous
hey im home...im not sure how this mcdonalds got here but whatever im gonna eat it anyway.
the fda needs to get their shit together cause these four loko going away parties are gonna kill me
At the ER. Dropped bottle lead to cut foot which led to me drunk hitting on doctors. Not going well.
Remember, ur body isn't a visitors center
Masturbated before I came into work and now the finger scanner won't clock me in. Fuck Valentines Day.
Sorry that I was such a monster last night. It was the drugs, I promise.
Neither a grow-er nor a show-er. More like a no-er. If he didn't have testicles, I'm not sure you could tell he was a male, even standing there naked. There will be no second date.
The date went significantly better after the fifth shot of fireball.
Vacuum the place before you go out of town there are random glitter cocks everywhere
A girl showed up in my tinder and I have it set to only men... I super liked her because I need a lesbian experience
I need an outfit for the bar tmrw that reads I have daddy issues and would like a fancy sugar daddy.
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