I hope you fall in a pool of honey in an immensely populated region of bears.
You know its bad when you can over hear the planned parenthood nurses talking shit behind your back... they've seen everything
So apparently when I was 2, I went around drinking everybody's beer at some wedding, then passed out in a corner....
This explains a lot.
We are lost. Everyone is drunk and it all went downhill after we iced the bus driver.
I told him I'd rather have sex with his father last night. I'll admit now that I was drunk.
I never thought I would say the free bottle of grey goose was the problem but it was
i chased bacardi with meat sauce last night
Well just watched a guy puke in a trash can then proceed to pick pizza outta said trash can and eat it
His name sounds so important....sounds like the name of my future baby daddy to me.
I just said give me penis or give me death. Some patriot is rolling around in his grave right now.
I just referred to our excessive fireball consumption as a team building exercise and everyone in group text agreed.
We're not alcoholics, we're a god damn team.
There has been a song made about you fucking his roommate.
It's destiny.
Come share oat with me in your robe
Kids I used to babysit are now fuckable members of my social media periphery.. Getting old sucks
Ive completely stopped wearing makeup. Not even eyebrows. Thats how sick of wisconsin I am.
Randomize