i can barely afford taco bell don't think a baby is in the budget
I just miserably failed my own drug test. At least I know what a positive will look like when I give them to the employees tomorrow.
Tequila shots with cinnamon and orange write it down before I forget
I said "have a good day officer and I'll see you friday when I get arrested for being too drunk.."
You have to keep an eye on her tonight cause you know how she likes to pickpocket people when she's drunk.
Just be happy that you're the pretty friend. Otherwise you would have had to walk home alone, like me.
they need to invent a card that reads "thanks for all those boners you gave me that you did NOTHING about"
soo...what's the appropriate way to ask to come over and take your S&M lingerie out of your ex's apartment? big weekend planned, kinda need it.
No I don't want to see you. You're the reason that I'm going to need a new liver by the time I'm 30.
Now I just sit back and wait to give ass birth to pure evil.
We just had sex in the shed while having a conversation about cheeseburgers...so that's how my day is going
I put the area codes from ludacris' "area codes" into our expensive data visualization software at work, it's been a productive day
I have to close one eye, because I don't wanna see two movies, I only want to see one.
I'm not going to tell you how to live your life, which includes naming your schlong
Thank you for stopping me from getting a butt tattoo. That was a good call.
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