Dude stop singing. Your life is not an episode of fucking glee
Oh my god. Oh my god. Oh my god. I drunk emailed a professor on friday. Oh my god. Oh my god.
I want him to be the Hulk to my Brooke Hogan this Halloween. Can I ask him to be my daddy this weekend?
Only if you say it like that.
I was masturbating in my bed this morning when my ipod alarm went off and it started playing "show me the meaning of being lonely"
I've fallen from my one moral pedestal
Bud light lime after 12 shots of vladdy is like frolickin in a meadow of sweet flavor
Would it be inappropriate to rub one out in the gym shower? I mean, technically, I pay $80 a month to do what I want so could they really say anything?
Shower is fine. Steam room is shady. I've probably done both at one point in my life so I can't be used as a good reference.
WHY ARE THERE NO BLACK EMOJIS? I CAN NEVER PROPERLY IDENTIFY MYSELF.
Wrestling for my wallet turned into us almost having sex in the middle of the hallway
That is romantic
Well sometimes you just gotta put your dicks and pizzas together to show you care
Have you ever given your heart and soul to someone and they turn out to be nothing but a great fuck that makes a mean grilled cheese because same
if people come over to pregame will you hide my Oreos
Normal people find beers in their gym bag, right?
You were so drunk last night that you fell thru the bathroom door at the bar, ripping it off the hinges in the process. But, your birthday tiara stayed on thru the whole thing. I'd call it a succcessful evening. Happy birthday kiddo!
he told me I was hypnotizing him with my mouth so I guess I do give good head
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