Do u think I can claim pregnancy as an accident so my insurance covers it?
How do you feel about the band name "O'labia Newton John"??
Having sex with her was like reading the Wall Street Journal.
Just saw someone buying TWO six packs of O'Doul's. WHY ??
Getting a high five from your dog when you're stoned is one the greatest rewards of being a pet owner.
I wanna get FUCKED up and fail the piss test at my eval so they send me to detox and give me suboxone... Is that bad?
Drinking Grey Goose on the toilet. Don't make me graduate.
Just shaved my vagina. It's been so long I forgot what it looked like. You need to come over right now.
I just realized I have my pepper spray, gun, and vibrator all in one drawer. One false grab and I'm screwed either way.
Found a Safeway Deli Sandwich in the shower this morning... Perhaps the 9th beer was unnecessary.
Yea no bueno and I only brought enough weed to last one night. And it was no Hanukah nug, it didn't last 8 days.
I can't even be mad at customs in houstons airport anymore for missing my flight and having to stay overnight. Within an hour of meeting we did it at her place. Her last word being "glad I could show you real southern hospitality". I'm definitely coming back here someday
I mean, we were all drinking, but I'm pretty sure kidnapping came up.
Why do pants feel so unnatural once you enter your own house
I'm texting you know although you won't get this until you wake up. the only reason you are strapped to your bed is because you were trying to fly out your window.
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