One little Beyonce reference and he turns on me faster than liberals on Jon Mackey
the only muscles i have these days is kegels
he put a lighter in my cleavage and said "you're like another pocket!"
idk but i have you stored in my phone as 'guy with beard doing body shots'
he gets drunk and then tries to eat the lasers at the dance club
My roommate is trying to suck beer out of the rug.
Apparently my type is "guy whose parents had unprotected sex on Halloween". Last week was my ex's, my FWB's, and the guy I'm seeing's birthdays.
ok. can u leave the new roommate a list of instructions for me? like what i need to be fed and when i need to be exercised?
Corn dogs constantly. And all.the time
He waited until after foreplay to tell me that he didn't have a condom and "we" would just have to settle for a bj tonight...
I tripped over a vacuum cleaner and fell into a beer pyramid
When you woke up the first word out of your mouth was "whoa"
I was feeling the aftermath of his penis
Waking up with cheese all over my clothes and my vibrator in my pants is a sign we drank way too much tequila last night
you know you're drunk when you start breaking down your body composition into organic molecules
He started praying immediately after we hooked up, condom on and everything.
I hate him but I love him for what he does which is me
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