Weddings at vineyards should never be allowed to happen. I'm pretty sure I drank every bottle they produced in 2008.
I wish orgasms lasted as long as the pain from rug burn
we're almost there. Shes pounding on the car window telling the nurse whos on a smoke break to fuck off.
If I'm not up by 8, will you please knock on my door?
That depends, can you stop texting me while you're masturbating?
Touche.
I CAN STILL HEAR YOUR VIBRATOR.
If you see my mugshot on the news tomorrow, its not what you think
He goes "sorry was at the gym. Some of us workout " and I wanted to text him back and go "well some of us do occasional drugs so we don't have to"
Her fortune said that she will soon be free. She's taking her bra off at the table.
Let's just say that the best way to get a girls attention is not to slap her on the ass from the window of a moving cab.
New Halloween costume idea: Frankenstorm. We have three hours. Make it work.
It is a bad day indeed when you learn that your boy toy looks better in your dresses than you do
I need to start a penis folder so I stop "accidentally" showing people my junk. On a side note- St. Pattys penis was a hit, four leaf clover and all.
I feel like dick that good should always be within a five kilometre radius of me.
You know you were really drunk last night when you woke up and had someone else's jacket with their car keys and medical marijuana that you wore home from the bar and no sign of your actual jacket.
You owe me a one night stand and a line. Possible an inflatable flamingo as well. And a caesar salad.
I'm literally trying to cool beer down right now in my car by putting it on my floor and blasting cold air on it
Randomize
