my number is 615-555-1212, <3 your favorite asshole
My face smells like last night's lay. I need a whore bath. Or a corndog.
Apparently I signed "I love you" on my bar tab last night.
I wish the health center treadmills counted beers burned not calories
No. I didn't know. I thought mid afternoon shots meant the day could only get better.
This morning is cloudy with a high chance of vomiting all over the dentist. Stay tuned for further updates.
i'm going through an 80s music phase. and by phase i mean i will only have sex to white snake
Lets go see if some hobos will give us a prostate massage for a 40 ounce.
Just stared at a tree for a solid 5 minutes because I thought a German Shepard was perched on a limb.
She was grinding on him and then she was eating a Big Mac. Who the hell brings a Big Mac to the club?
I think my body is literally trying to get me to reproduce. "fuck someone! Anyone!" - my body
We got to the hotel at 12AM with nothing but a plastic bag of magnum condoms and lube, while wearing glow sticks. The receptionist handed us a bunch of water bottles and said "These are on us.", not even phased by three dudes about to have a threesome. I love this town.
Just got a 200 dollar safe, two jars, and a 500 pack of rubber bands.. This doesn't SCREAM drug dealer does it?
...you should fill the cart some more
You're a problem for me, dick game too good. In the future when I'm with someone I actually wanna to date, now I'm gonna compare.
The first thing he said was that my underwear smelled like Trix but then he looked up at me and whispered "Silly rabbit, vagina is for me."
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