We were chasing that deer in the quad and next thing I remember I woke up in my RAs bed. I'm probably in trouble.
did you violate me with a mr sketch marker when i passed out? i just peed and wiped purple and it smelled like grape. i need to get to the bottom of this...
I told her you were a premature ejaculator. She nodded and said "Really? Wow, how long's he been a Pilot for?"
you are both the best and worst wingman ever.
I feel like vodka or no vodka, you'd still be trying to button your cat into your comforter
If you're trying to piece together your night, I can tell you where those tassels came from.
And then you guys went on to show us ur sex positions from the before. Thanks
The druken crowd just broke into singing "God Bless America" while waiting the newlyweds to get in the limo. My friend is eating rose petals.
I FEEL like I celebrated someone's 21st, but really I just celebrated Tuesday.
Old men love us. For they have fine taste and disturbing minds.
My mom just sent me this: "I like Jon, but he needs to be the one going down on you! Yeah, we saw your head pop up in your car last night."
I like to feed my guinea pigs before I get stoned. In case they get contact high and get the munchies. It's only polite.
She had a tattoo of Luke Bryan on her thigh and she made me waffles. Can I have two fiancees?
Never underestimate the power of loudly proclaiming you want to make out with someone
We were having margaritas and I was saying "back when I was drinking..." They looked all confused. Then I realized "holy shit they think THIS is drinking?"
I bought him flowers and fake vampire fangs, cuz there's really not a greeting card that says "Sorry I got wasted last night and started a very sloppy bloodletting ritual.".
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