In similar news, my cock is bigger than the plane that landed in the hudson.
Lady came into work yesterday. Full on stache and beard. I've never concentrated on making eye contact harder in my life.
but the good news is i woke up with 15 dollars in my pocket so i probably sold my phone instead of puking on it
i put his shirt in a ziplock bag to preserve his smell
please tell me you are kidding me
any interest in drunk sledding later? if not, any interest in driving me to the hospital later?
Dude if our hands were ladels we could work at a soup kitchen
That would be so convenient
It must have been an amazing night, I have "my pants are responsible people" written on my pants in permanent marker.
Brought him brownies before taking his pants off. I'm like the Martha fucking Stewart of booty calls. Walk of shame be damned.
Glad to know I rate above a cabbage on the parenting scale.
Don't call police on the strange man passed out in his car in the driveway. I'll be home around noon to collect him.
What's the best day of the week to potentially find out you're pregnant with your ex's baby?
I told him I was ready for another round and he said, "after this part." What guy chooses James Bond over pussy?!
you were so drunk that when the mouse on your laptop didnt work anymore you decided to just take it into the bathroom and pee on it while laughing like a mad scientist.
I told her I wanted to go swimming and she responded with jello shots, taking off her clothes, and jumping into the pool...I think I'm in love
i'm bringing homemade birthday cake and homegrown weed. how awesome is this text?
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