haha omg you stole $185 from a passed out drunk indian on your porch and called the ambulance??
savin' lives aint cheap
I think im pregnant
I think you have the wrong number
The theme is smores and alcohol. Dress appropriately.
she said and I quote "NO SOUP FOR YOU!!!" and closed her legs.
Outta milk. Using rum instead for pancake mix. Drunk Thursday is a gooo
I'm fucked up. I can't drink anymore. We stole a cat.
Im sitting on the exxon bathroom floor, idk if its healthy but it sure is cold
If you invite me to a bar tonight my liver will kick you in the testicles
she tried to handfeed me fritos while yelling "PENIS TRAIN"
Except there is my pee all over the walls now
Sorry about sucking tonight. Drunk truck fucking is apparently not my strong point.
Stop trying to get a gf and raw dog some forest beasts like sasquatch
Just got a blow job from a woman on a ski slope. She said ski'ing frightens her and giving head calms her down. Glad I could help ma'am!
You threw up at the outdoor bar and it was pretty...astonishing just how much can come out of such a small human.
I've struck affair-gold. He's hot, he's ripped, he doesn't want a relationship, and most importantly he won't have to ask Gods permission to bang me like the last religious nut job did.
Randomize
