I knew I had to get an abortion when his toddler sister came up to hug my leg and I kicked her off saying, "Get off, fucker."
you said the mailboxes were turning into babies and they started crawling away. then you cried and asked me how you were gonna get your college acceptance letters
Yeah, all the sudden I heard a loud "ding" and realized I had been passed out on the dorm elevator for about an hour....
All I remember is running out of the bathroom with one shoe on and the other in my hand. Pretty sure I was yelling as well.
I wanted to be mature but the vodka was resilient.
So I ripped my crotchless fishnet body suit when my drunk ass tried to crawl through the crotch to put it on.
My radar detector detects ice cream trucks. I think it was made for stoners
No we are not "bros" because I came out of my moms vagina& you went in there.
I snorted a few ambien and woke up here. A lady banged on our door, waking us up, demanding our towels.
I hit a child with a fudge sickle from a moving vehicle after he flipped me off, I feel like a God. Tell no one. My partner didn't see it.
Now that weed is legalized There needs to be reusable bags for people to pick up with. All this plastic is so bad for the environment and a waste
If I don't get my shit together, I'm going to be one of those really fucked up cases on 1000 ways to die
Not too bad but came home early cuz business was shut down due to an employee sexually harrassing the inspector
I literally can not watch Thor without thinking of your dick
I think I'm so comfortable in my sexual relationship because he mostly wants to see me naked with large plates of bacon tastefully placed upon my body
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