Bea Arthur died yesterday
You shut your stupid mouth
Betty White is next, I just know it.
Betty White will never die! She's like Dick Clark. Rue McCalahan is next.
So I just walked in on one of our neighbors having sex...on our couch.
WHAT?!
He apologized for staining our couch, then asked if he could make me a drink. Pretty sure he was still inside her while we were talking.
It's sad how good I am at giving people diseases
Just saw ur first draft of ur suicide note.
You spelled "worthless" wrong.
How are you going to be there by 9am?
Relax I always go to these conferences hung over
You say that like it's a positive quality
Found out that it IS actually possible to get road head from somebody in the back seat
He pulled the washer 5 feet out from the wall screaming about quarters
I woke up to him drunk-t-bagging me, saying "huevos rancheros" were being served for breakfast.
I've been ignoring his texts cause last night I put him in my phone as 'ignore for atleast a day' and I trust my drunk self.
She seriously pointed at the couch and asked me if she could "ride the talking giraffe". I'll never serve everclear again.
Not sure if creeper guy is too drunk to talk or I'm too high to listen.
I just drove by a stop sign that had a used maxi pad stuck to it WHAT THE FUCK
Dude I swear I'm scooping human shit out of the litter boxes. What the fuck happened last night?
How much weed should I buy my mom for her birthday?
Dude, don't beat around the bush. We're fucked and you know it.
Randomize
