I think tequila should come with a little jiminy cricket
Left my ID again and at a Giant's game. This is the second time they accepted my handgun safety certificate as proof of ID to buy beer.
he suggested i make a website called "cum on molly's face", to "start off my acting career"
I haven't gone out since the baby was born. If I don't get arrested, in a fight, or both I'm going to be super pissed.
I have a kicked-out-of-multiple-bars level hangover today
I WILL BE THE BEST FICTITIONAL HISTORICAL FIGURE FOR THE FEMENIST MOVEMENT THE WORLD HAS EVER SEEN
Who spent today in nothing but a vajazzle and candy thong? SORRY NOT SORRY
Possibly having a threesome with my ex boyfriend and his current girlfriend was great closure on that subject
i would compare it to sliding down a velcro-covered fireman's pole naked. no more bearded men for me.
This strange Italian man told me he wants to take me for ice cream and kept calling me "tomato" from tinder
I really don't know where my pants are, but that's not the problem. When are you going to unlock the door?
I sharted in my christmas pjs :(
Do you think telling guys I'm majoring in magic is a good pickup line?
I am watching a girl dressed up as santa, full on fat suit, try to fight a six foot 200lb man. A reindeer threw beer on everyone. Shit is going down
he had a bulletproof vest and a pocket full of lollipops! how was i suppose to say no.
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