My dad just told me he used to masturbate to cat woman...he then proceeded to beat my brother in beer pong and wont let me play...
Well maybe next time you won't tell me to do whatever I want.
We just passed a billboard that said to join "jerseydoesntstink.com" and literally 15 seconds later, we could smell jersey.
The fact that I found him in his Ninja Turtles t-shirt next to six empty and obviously consumed packs of EasyMac watching reruns of Becker certainly made telling him that I wanted a divorce so much easier than I had planned.
As long as there aren't any pictures of me humping the penguin, we are good,
Hungover like ... in bed with the Brita pitcher and a straw, only opening one eye at a time.
bah. we'll see. don't give yourself a boner of false hope.
your blue lips and tongue was their first indication you were probably underage
HEY THERE IS NO AGE LIMIT ON BLUE SLUSHIES
His penis has been a bonding mechanism beyond comparison.
I think I am calling out of work due to a hangover. I'm 96% sure there ISN'T tampon stuck inside me.
I am disappointed by everyone's lack of ability to dance on a stripper pole:(
I woke up in his bed wearing nothing but a penn state hat. We are....
My girlfriend is talking to my ex-boyfriend at the bar right now. I REPEAT, GIRLFRIEND IS TALKING TO EX BOYFRIEND RIGHT NOW. GET ME THE FUCK OUT OF THIS PLAACE
I miss my bedroom and my bed and being able to spray myself with my choice of 15 different perfumes so I don't have to wake up to the smell of my past sins
I puked on her cat, I think I should at least buy her breakfast
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