just woke up in my neighbors garage.
scratch that. I'm like 6 miles from my house in a random garage.
So it turns out there are pros and cons to having a broken wrist. Pro: I can give amazing blowjobs with my left hand. Con: I just had to open a packet of crisps with scissors.
Just mindlessly walked into the mens bathroom. My vagina has now become its own independent being, looking for penises. I'm just along for the ride.
So im on with some ukrainian stripper for a vodka tasting tomorrow. If I die tell my family im awesome
Guess whose mug shot is NOT on the Internet anymore?!?!
I fake pass out to avoid hookups sometimes. Last night I fake slept on my bathroom floor for like 2 hours before the guy left.
He's the kind of drunk guy that would pee in your mouth while you give him head.
Passing out on a toilet is not classy no matter what you're wearing. Not even a pea coat.
My goal is to go an entire semester without cocaine. That's an adult goal right?
Honestly I'm so excited to go to bed I feel as if I don't deserve to be in my early twenties.
i need to stop meeting underage girls and letting them into the bar. i mean yea its a surefire way to get laid without having to tell them I'm 26 but i feel like as a bouncer I'm focusing on all the wrong things
I don't think my professor is going to remember the Halloween party... or the fact that he made out with a priest.
Your cock has been in the back of my throat. Co-worker is no longer a sufficient title. Fix that shit ASAP
YOU JUST GOT OUT OF THE HOSPITAL AND YOU'RE ALREADY DRINKING?!
Found Ryan’s keys in the fridge. On my way back.
Also, tell him he missed Nathan passing out in the dryer.
Randomize
