dude, i woke up naked in her front yard...apparently i tried to leave in the middle of the night, forgot my clothes and decided,"oh heres a nice patch of grass to sleep on" I think god is up there laughing at me.
how's this sound. You, me a box of pink franzia and a night full of possibilities in your basemen. I'll be me. You be you. And we'll see where it goes
this is a mass text: i just made a grilled cheese with an iron and pasta with the coffeemaker in the hotel room. bow before your new god.
When I told my boss I'm using a vacation day for 4/20, he gave me his personal cell phone number and winked at me.
ask me if i forgot to go to a midterm today
Guy having heart attack in McDonalds. Classic.
I was talking to this girl who was in love with the air force. I was doing decently until I mentioned that the navy actually has more planes. Cockblocked by my knowledge of random trivia again.
if u cant get laid at this wedding we need to have a looooooong talk about the possibility of u becoming a lesbian
He referred to his cock as "The cock" like it was third party or something.
I thought the cops would know I was on shrooms because I was 10ft tall.
Cockoligist
Yes, one may refer to me as that.
I should make business cards.
you said I shouldn't try to fill the void in my meaningless life with dicks but i am trying and it totally works
Last night was good. Things got bad when I found a sledge hammer.
So was this before or after he cried about trump?
After
I just drunkenly signed my mortgage application...
Is this how the global financial crisis happened?
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