so... my grandma just told me i should be a stripper
well at least shes not calling you fat anymore
We just got home. I got some malt liqour and a lottery ticket so I'm really doing a lot with my life right now
Yea.. I remember nothing. Except that the taxi driver was 56 years old and apparently never cheated on his wife.
I have a pocket in my purse that is just for condoms and cocktail swords. I feel like that speaks volumes about me as a person
The least you could do before I go into your room is throw away the condom wrapper from the other girl I know you're banging.
dude when im high using logic is an accomplishment that should be rewarded. make sure u get cinnamon twists
Hahah what did you even say to him?!
That I was gonna inflate his vagina with a leaf blower?
Oh.
Hey will pizza rolls help if you accidentally get a diabetic chihuahua drunk?
I'm sober. Being kissed by a chick with a llama puppet. Shoot me now.
It was everywhere. My dick was a sprinkler of lost future children.
His ex-girlfriend just gave his current girlfriend the heimlach omg omg omg help this is so awkward
This morning I found four opened yet full beers on my desk and my towel rack pulled off the wall and in bed with me
Like who needs a job and family when you can get drunk for free with strippers?
MY MOM WALKED IN WHILE I WAS EATING THEM OUT AND STARTED ASKING US ABOUT THE PROJECT RUNWAY EPISODE WE WERE WATCHING EARLIER
It was a blast. I was going to say that throwing up in the airport bathroom wasn't classy, but it's classier than quietly puking into a fast food cup while in your seat during takeoff...
Randomize
