I'm smoking weed out of a trumpet
I just did a slip and slide down the hall way of my apartment building
Tie
I am officially superior to you. I said "Go Go Gadget Dick" before I fucked her. I dare you to beat that.
your brother just told me that Guinness is the first book of the Bible...
I told him that he could only go home with me if he didn't talk or tell me his name
Dude, this chick, who is smokin by the way, has 4 false teeth on top from a softball accident that she can take out if she wants... Who's getting amazing head tonight? This guy!
I don't know whether to be creeped out by the fact this chick can do that, or jealous because you're getting toothless head.
He's asking if he can send a dick pic. How do I politely decline that?
i was really disappointed no one would drink beer from our cleavage last night except for us
You never know how much you love your bed until you sleep with 4 other people in your car.
I feel like he better crank it up to level RG IV tomorrow. It's the fucking playoffs.
Also, you should've bet on Team Liver.
We won.
USA USA USA
God dammit. My lube leaked all over my passport
Well my summer has already been productive. I partially caused a divorce.
Living alone for four weeks has given me unrealistic expectations of pantslessness.
Well it might’ve been because you asked to play What Makes You Beautiful at the club
Our orgasm ration was 1:45. No. Fucking. Joke. I thought I was going to die.
Randomize