I just witnessed someone getting head in the parking garage. Don't ever tell me Baylor is too conservative again.
Oh god, so much rum. I think I was in a shotgun wedding with a Bacardi promotion girl.
bad sex. bad bad bad. it was like trying to pick up an overcooked noodle with an empty pringles can. why do these guys always seem to find me?
On a side note the mornings you do so much Xanax that you wake up totally at one with the universe and feel invincible are great
Just found my socks folded and in the back pocket of my jeans. Apparently drunk me refuses to lose shit after the panties incident over New Years.
I'm wearing too many socks to be ok with this.
I found them in the bathroom trying to wrap an American flag around Steve's dick. I didn't bother to ask questions.
My manager said you offered to make out with him to ensure I keep my job if I didn't show up to work today
Shhhh less advice, more soothing words and dirty phrases
What is it in my brain that makes me look at a penis and think "that belongs in my mouth"?
It's become almost a Pavlovian response. The sound of the vacuum being run by hubby causes an instantaneous involuntary orgasm.
I need to stop being so honest when I'm drunk. I got proposed to by a stranger again last night. It's not my fault that I would be perfectly ok making sandwiches and giving blow jobs for the rest of my life.
We need to stop smoking. I just ran into a glass door.
You just thought it would be a good idea to show your penis to your best friend. No harm, no foul.
This is going to be so stupid, but do you feel the calluses on my hands when I give you a handy?
Randomize
