he called me "his little blueberry cunt muffin"...how would that make you feel?
I have never pre-planed for a better sober morning than lacing my muffin batch with tylenol.
sooo my mom just yelled up the stairs " you left your bowl down by the computer"....aaand for a second I forgot cereal bowls still existed
So his "youporn" cam totally caught me stealing quesadilla leftovers.
thank you for letting me use your house as a brothel.
I am not even close to finishing violently masturbating over that video.
just saw a guy snowshoeing to the liqour store
was it you?
...yes
Muscle is literally tearing itself off of my shins. No I am not going on another bar crawl with you.
I'll pay?
Pick me up at 9.
We just stood outside and debated the existence of mermaids for about 20 min. Is this what too drunk is?
You're right. Cause really... I'm in the back of his head. Even though what I said was better than "I have herpes"... I did once say that to him. So I'm like a reoccurring nightmare.
I just got CPR certified, don't make me need these skills so soon
He came so fast i dont think he got it all the way in. He apologized and gave me his favorite baseball card.
He dropped some cash when he got in my front seat upside down. And a hat. I'm keeping them as retribution for not remembering that he had sex with me once before. Although, if he didn't have his dick pierced, I wouldn't have remembered either.
You coming to give me head and eat tacos?
If my vagina was a person it would have a bandage around its head and it's arm in a sling rn
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