I didn't shave. On purpose
my fingers and penis are no longer on speaking terms. My penis is too jealous of where my fingers get to go.
Freshman orientation day on campus. Dear diary, JACKPOT.
so I got guilt tripped into giving her a new years kiss, and she proceeded to try and eat my face while mounting me. when you give a mouse a cookie...
You were so trashed that when you dropped your fruit rollup on the floor, you just sat next to it and cried.
i will replace your cream cheese. there's enough for breakfast. you are my friend. i had guests we wanted bagels so bad im sorry. i left you notes. i love you. you have enough for a bagel or two and i will get you more. you are so pretty.
Come over. Drunk tacos.
That isn't even a sentence.
I kept the important parts.
He was taking the condom off and he turns to me and says, "You know how snakes can shed their skin?"
I let him watch sportscenter while we fucked. How did he repay me? I'm now missing class to get a shot in the ass for the clap. You and I are getting wasted and keying someone's car this weekend.
He kept walking up to every girl at the party saying "Hi, I'm George Clooney. No I won't marry you." He left with three girls.
She was drunk and naked on our couch, sweating and masterbating to SNL. We made eye contact and she didn't even stop. It's new-roommate-o-clock
OH GOD NOT SANTA BABY. NO NO NO. YOU'RE LIKE 85. OMG MULTIPLE WOMEN. NO NO NO STAHP.
I take Paypal, cash, sexual favors, and roasted red potatoes with garlic as payment. You choose.
Hypothetically speaking, if a girl asks you to fuck her wearing only your hockey helmet, is that socially acceptable?
You tried to eat your way through the wall. Like you literally tried to eat drywall and insulation.
Randomize
