goodnight i made you a song goodbye
my computer doesn't work...
why?
i puked on it last night
We all just poured out a sip of our drinks for you. One for our pussy whipped homie.
a guy in a toll booth on I-90 told me to fuck off for not being a red sox fan. i am going to miss massachusetts very much.
I thought if I stared at him long enough he'd walk me to my car. but he didn't. he dddidn't. i rreally thought i had those powers.
a queef is a wish your heart makes.
and i do it all in one night. I'm like santa but a whore.
It was awesome explaining why I had a tiger with boxers in my bed, a little bit drunk, to a girl in a pre-sex moment
No, supporting your unemployed boyfriend IS NOT what credit cards are for.
My boobs are literally freaking out because I've been wearing a bra for more than three hours....I need to go out more...
I have drunkenly angered a family of raccoons. Please send help immediately.
I shamewalked barefoot this morning and the Dos Equis delivery guy judged the shit out of me.
Broken heels while double fisting margaritas, picking up shirtless, bloody men and escorting them out of harms way, the meltdown when I realized I can go without a bra bc my boobs shrunk, the morning vodka red bull you were forced to drink? Which one roped you in?
i think if a sober person was watching us they would have not thought we were witty
Between falling off a shelf on to a concrete floor and sex with you - i may never walk again.
Randomize
