Just went to my life planning class. The professor has a braid going halfway down his back and an earring.
First date: that requires underwear, huh?
It was a sobriety test blowjob. If he could get it up, he could get me home.
We're all in the kiddie pool on the porch. Fully clothed. Watching porn. With my manager.
I see your smile in the face of every drunk that senses he's about to slay a troll.
Stoned, and eating Doritos, and reading about lesbians for class. This is the life.
I mean technically the bite was both in my nose and on the outside of it. I thought I was going to need stitches or something.
Why was his mouth around your nose anyways?
It was just one of those nights, man.
Can't find our DD
He's backstage giving the strippers foot massages.They kidnapped him the moment he walked thru the door.
I'm highly inebriated watching star wars, this text was sent via the force
I've literally exhausted all the videos on pornhub. It took like 4 years, but I've done it. I did that quicker than I finished college
I think I just got buffalo sauce on my penis. Is that a turn on or off?
Stop chatting and get in the fucking car. I didn't get my asexual ass out of bed just to watch you flirt and fail with someone you're never going to see again.
I wrote myself a note last night telling me to tell you that you're the best person ever, and asking you not to tell me what I did, I think I'm trusting my drunk judgment on that one.
I need an outfit for the bar tmrw that reads I have daddy issues and would like a fancy sugar daddy.
Is there a subtle way to tell him he needs to hydrate? 8 years of yoga and kegels. He has no idea what I’m going to do to him this weekend
Randomize
