Passed out watching pirates of caribbean with vodka in hand. Woke up to jenna jameson, with vodka gone.
I slept walked to the toilet and woke up pooping. Easily one of the most disorienting events of my life.
I just had to explain to my father, how having two screens plugged into my computer doesn't use more internet.
Just woke up to my stoned boyfriend building a shrine around my bare ass. He'll never leave me.
it will be an insanely irresponsible summer.the only things i plan on not doing are dying and getting pregnant.and even those are negotiable
Oh. And what's the twitter protocol for following the guy you blew behind a shed?
I had a dream she was puking on me, but sadly in real life she was puking on me too
I love you. Thanks for all the blowjobs.
You are literally throwing a tangerine right now. Beer pong is not played this way
I made this pact with my vagina, though. No more heartless fuckery.
She just texted me that she's horny, then started quoted random music, then telling me everything she regrets. I don't think there's enough tequila in the world for me to deal with her...
He also complimented my butt. High praise coming from a boob guy.
I'm glad there seems to be a general consensus regarding your ass
The chances of me making out with someone next weekend are about the same as me not remembering it.
well you did quote socrates while playing beer pong and then proceeded to fall down
Only good thing about being an essential worker is that I have a letter allowing me to cross the bridge into jersey to get booze
Randomize
