Are you dead
Yes
Oh man
Someone fed me too many chicken nuggets and sexed me too hard
The funny thing is... I'm about to go to the store to buy WD-40 and condoms... That's it.
And before you ask they are unrelated purchases.
Bar. Show boob. Just one. Free drinks. Instant friends
Guys only need one. Little known secret. You're welcome.
please tell me why my pillow is wearing your thong...
...i wondered where i left that...
After i black out, be a good friend and point me to the direction of a girl with daddy issues, any girl would do just fine
Driving by his house every hour is not stalking, it's a reconnaissance mission... How else can I confront him
I'm not drinking cause I'm like 4 vodkas away from a boom box and Peter Gabriel.
Is it bad that I've been making new friends through your vagina networking? I don't think so
Made it just outside my dorm and yack on the front dirt. Wave to a dad thats staring, continue on my way.
Today I had sex and flossed at the same time. My relationship goals have been exceeded.
If it makes u feel any better my dick feels pretty tender dude
I woke up this morning hand cuffed to the bed with three bruised ribs and Amy written in lipstick on my chest... what happen lastnite??
i want to say his dick was in it but not his heart
I made you bacon and gave you a blow job. I'd say you had a pretty great day.
Well, let me first tell you that jack and cokes were ONE FUCKING DOLLAR.. It's like the club wanted me to make poor choices.
Randomize
