Apparently Chef Boyardee is the only guy I'm taking home tonight.
even my farts smell like vagina
so my 6 year old came home from school and asked me if he was a bastard cause the kids at school called him one, i told him to call them a clit. those parents will hate me
tiger just fucked it up for all of us...she grabbed my phone this morning and started asking questions.
Oh my god, I hid a wine bottle in my boot.
In the future let's not drunk dive in the fountain in front of the hotel bar.
I'm in class. I'm not opening a page with the words "death erection" in the link. There's people behind me lol.
You see.... Im at the point in my life where pissing in a toilet is a luxury for me
He left my apartment when I broke up with him just as my booty call was walking in. It was a little awkward...
He bought you footie pajamas. Shit's pretty serious.
I mean I'm not saying I have my life together but I did just put nerds in a bottle of champagne and then drank from the bottle
I swear to god if you keep eating my cats food drunk I am going to kick you out of our apartment.
That was my first party and they were so suprised that this little freshman girl was a FUCKING BEER PONG QUEEN.
what happened last night?!
you took a shot and then laid down on our kitchen table and passed out.. then when we tried to move you to the couch you screamed "no! i love tables"
I gotta do like a month's worth of catch-up personal hygiene today in prep for Christmas so extended family doesn't ask if I'm depressed.
Randomize
