I knew you were gonna be a good wingman when the words "dibs on the chunky one" came out of your mouth.
Do you like marathons because that's how long I plan on fucking you.
we turned studying into a drinking game, she drinks when she gets it right, i drink when she gets it wrong. so we'll be out soon
They're giving me a hotel, and this chick doesn't have a place to stay for the night... I swear this is how real life Porno starts.
she said and I quote "NO SOUP FOR YOU!!!" and closed her legs.
I can't be drunk. Sober yes. Drunk no. Spoonfuls
Accidently said "your going to hurt the baby" when he got forceful with his thrusts. I guess I forgot to mention to him that we are pregnant.
I felt that there wouldn't be enough planB and forgiveness to go around
So because I got upset you didn't answer I threw my phone in the garbage disposal last night
okcupid is pretty much insisting i hook up with this chick who looks like andy milonakis.
Just walked in on him banging another girl. He told me " sorry but I'm gonna finish now that I'm caught" ...... I think this is the reason god gave me four older brothers....
I just sneeze out a chunk of leftover pickle I threw up last night. dont you try and tell me your day is going worse
Well. I hope my dad likes whatever sweater stoned me picks out.
One day when i undoubtedly need an intervention please let it include lightsabers.
I think I can handle that.
& I came downstairs to find my whole family discussing the fact that I have a vibrator, which my mom found accidentally....
Randomize
