He finally told me that he's married. I guess it doesn't really matter.
I am in shape. i keep telling you that.
Round is not "in shape," it's "a shape."
if it walks like a guido and talks like a guido, i'm gonna fuck it.
I'm in a trailer park. But I'm not scared. The virgin always lives.
I can't break up with him, I ran the math. Taking into account his 7 inch penis and the standard deviation from average, almost 90% of guys should have a smaller penis than he does.
Really? Penis math? This is why guys shouldn't date female engineers.
I specifically found a fat girl to lift me up on her shoulders.\n\nIt was glorious.
When I say I took advantage of you when you were drunk, I mean that I convinced you to let me paint cute little panda bears on all of your toenails.
Oh, fuck yeah. I swear I came with every bite. Not even joking. Messiest meal ever.
Wow, thanks for ruining pizza for me. I didn't think it was possible.
I didn't know what happened last night until the bruises in the shape of hands showed up on my boobs. Then it all made sense.
SOS YOU NEED TO TAKE THE CANDY PANTIES OUT OF THE GLOVE COMPARTMENT BEFORE MOM TAKES MY CAR
At least they play good movies in the waiting room of the pregnancy resource center.
FUCK YEAH PUPPY BOWL
if I dont text you back in 10min assume i am in fact still dizzy and injured myself in the shower. and call an ambulance. thanx.
I woke up next to him with nothing on and my thong around his neck. I just put my clothes on and left, but he still has my thong.
Rough birthday weekend. Eating McDonalds in the shower and used a fifth of sky as a pillow last night
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