Really stoned
just sent my roommate on a cheese run
I didnt pay $190 for a fake with a new middle name of Vane..
He actually believes he's not an alcoholic if he doesn't go to meetings.
he took off my shirt and said 'oh my god the legends are true'
The more I hate his personality, the more I love his penis.
Fat lady wearing Shape Up's. I would feel bad making crude comments, but she has to know it's coming.
the cool security guard showed me the video clip of how i sat criss-cross-applesauce on the elevator for 20 minutes last night
He screamed for everyone to hide, unplugged the music, then talked to the cop. Last I saw he was high fiving him...
He's the fucking cop whisperer.
Most of the bar is playing trivia I'm playing destroy a relationship in twenty questions
Just be aware that next year I will probably try to seduce you to avoid going to the gym
I cnant read. Cheetos goen. Help. Grt Cheetos.
Tried to put an eye patch on while hooking up with a girl. She was not amused.
I'll take care of you. Just let me pee on this old white person's car first.
WHY DID HE INTRODUCE ME TO HIS MOM? CAN'T HE JUST HIDE ME LIKE EVERYONE ELSE I'VE EVER DATED?@!
I guess you never know how much of an impact you have on someone until you sleep with their cousin
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