She is in my trunk
is it sad that i think every plant i pass on the highway looks like a plant from farmville?
I know I hit you with my car but people express love in different ways. Everyone is different.
I just asked the contractor building my house what it would cost to put a garbage disposal in all the shower drains...there was a lot of judging going on.
It's not that drunk me is smarter; it's that sober me is secretly playing for the other team.
You crawled everywhere and rolled in ice cream. No more vodka for a month.
I let a naked juice spill down my leg for like 30 minutes bc i thought i was hallucinating that my leg was cold.
the fat guy in me is very excited, and the skinny guy in me is very excited for the fat guy in me
No need to talk. Eventually, he'll either stop coming over, or decide that it's a relationship.
And if not?
...I keep getting free bourbon and great sex with no expectations. You really don't understand that there is no "down side," do you?
I woke up on top of his counter next to a pot of boiling water and an empty package of ramen... what happened to the ramen, we will never know.
I was puking in the bathroom when my fake tooth fell off of my retainer so I just walked out of the bar and didn't say goodbye to my date
Sorry I yelled at you and called you Amish and puked on your eggs
I feel like I should have held a press conference. The state of my vagina
ugffhh I have work in 4 hours and have recieved zero sleep, seeing that I'm trapped in the arms of a snoring bear man. can't. breathe. lost in the forestry of his chest hair.
Are you hungover?
No. I'm hiding under my covers and hoping it doesn't find me.
Randomize