I cheated on you last night. I slept with my laptop.
It took him longer to undo my bra than he lasted..
just saw a DUI checkpoint outside of a taco bell...i feel like thats cheating...
I am drinking ovaltine with peppermint schnapps. My childhood could have been so much better.
Dude just fell down the stars trying to leave class early, the prof just looks down at him and says"thats what you get"
Bring condoms and burritos. The rest will fall into place
STOP TELLING PEOPLE I PEED ON YOU
The maid moved your bed and found almost 40 used condoms and wrappers. She just looks at me and says "Dave?"
Dammit now I'm pissed. Its like I am torn between two worlds. A world of girls, and a world of people punching other people in the head. Both are just so beautiful.
Of the two of us, which one has licked a drag queen's tit in the past 5 days?
Like did I tell you about the ex Amish guy? Because that was a mess
I hope I don't have to wait for another triple crown winner to get laid again.
I saw a penis covered in glitter tonight.
I just want to trace his tattoos with my tongue
You can't hold me to anything I said last night; I was drunk on orgasms.
Randomize
