She can't keep using her latex allergy as an excuse to go bareback with everyone.
Xanax induced break ups are the best. Since I'm a professional fiancee, I'm going to break up with them on Xanax from now on. It didn't hurt one tiiiiiny bit.
turns out the guy i was dating because he was a cop was not actually a cop. i learned this as he got arrested by real cops.
Ill pay your DUI fine if you just come see me nooooowwwww
no. its 2:30am and im not going to jail for a booty call
Dude I totally just watched a girl put a tampon soaked in vodka up her vag
I need new friends
Sorry about all the noise last night. We were trying to break bottles by kicking soccer balls at them. If it's any consolation, there's shattered glass and blood all over my kitchen.
nothing like celebrating the fact that you're not a father by trying to impregnate other women
Somehow me not being able to breathe due to cocaine doesn't seem very domesticated.
Remember when we had a keg, and then another 5 cases... and like 30 people drank it all?
Everything hurts.
I wonder if her husband knows I have my own drawer at the apartment
So they found him after the wedding still dressed up in his feather boa and top hat passed out in a bush...
Then, he ate me out while I watched Bo Burnham. Best. Night. Ever.
I don't think I used nearly enough fucks in my reply to convey the level of fuck him.
come pick your gf up from my house. she's sitting in the fridge and hissing at the cat to let her eat the potatoes. btw i dont have a cat
You know shits really hit the fan when you start using public bathroom air freshener spray as perfume
what? where are you?
Randomize
