Puked in a plastic neiman Marcus bag while driving. My biggest accomplishment yet
It has to be really easy to get midgets drunk.
She just said she wanted to get freaky and left the room. I'm almost certain I just heard the microwave.
the most drunk i have ever been? possibly. the most drunk i have ever been on a monday? definently.
You coming home soon, man?
HENBARSCLOSE
there was a sad and surprising lack of "did strippers and blow" in that sentence
I expected to wake up with a sext of you posing nude and all I got was a missed call.....disappointed.
I'm sorry I think it was because I lost a chicken nugget in my purse and that's all that was on my mind until 4am
Give him a trash can and a welcome home balloon, he will be good.
He just remixed a spongebob song with 2 chainz..... Clearly I love him
I piss off the neighbors just so I can have someone to compete with.
Laying in bed nude eating a Big Mac with a cat. It's gonna be a good year.
you look like you're about to get down on your knees and give america the business.
I had my first "Damn Kids/When I Was That Age" rant at work today. We need to drink this feeling out of me. NOW.
...hi
YOU SHOULD BE ASHAMED OF YOURSELF
Ok cool I was afraid you'd never speak to me again. I can work with this.
The night took a wrong turn after I found you smoking a blunt with a midget behind the bar...
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