I ishhh haha are u coming nack easyer?
the fact that I know you're asking me if I'm coming home for easter makes me believe I speak fluent vodka.
My dinner was lean cuisine and tequila. Aaaaaand I need a boyfriend.
the girl walking home behind me started yelling and pointing "i want an ass like hers!" i feel vaguely accomplished.
Oh. And what's the twitter protocol for following the guy you blew behind a shed?
she's unstoppable after she starts doing shots and yelling NANNER
I knew no one else would have gone along with it since it's morally wrong and probably illegal. You said, "Yes. And let's add fireworks."
Your dog took my vibrator out to the yard
The part of "Dave" will now be played by "Rob." Rob, why don't you unzip and show Dave why that is.
I think I heard my penis growl. Wanna do lunch?
My farts smell like burning tires and false courage
I had sex in the bed of a guy who owns a house last night so I feel like this is a significant step up from car sex in the parking lot of a library
I wrote life affirmations on my notes to repeat and read several times a day so I become a better person, see the time on the toilet has been constructive
You know you've hit a new slutty low when you're simultaneously sexting and having a tea party with a 4 year old
Wanna get business drunk and go play golf?
So what if is hockey, you don’t turn down sex with a professional athlete. They work out all day and have amazing stamina. Your vagina will thank you!
Randomize
