What did I say to him last night?
Something along the lines of "your not here, I'm going to fuck sam. call me later babe, this won't take long, love you"
all in all not a bad night
What do you want? Don't say anything that would make me look like a pussy at the store.
He wanted a handjob during a John Wayne movie. I just couldn't find it in my heart to disrespect that man. John Wayne that is.
Funny how often beer equates to second degree burns on some portion of my body.
I found my phone outside under the leaves by the curb. What the fuck did I do last night
A 40 year old man just put his hands on my thighs and said in these exact words "you're so beautiful and gorgeous and innocent. But life sucks and you'll probably turn into a whore."
OMG HIS EYES ARE POOLS OF SEX. HOT SEX.
whoa! who said he's my boyfriend?
Oops. Sorry. That guy you keep accidentally running into in public. And at home. And with your vagina.
it was good, but also weird. like, i came four times and then cried weird.
Just finished off half a bottle of vodka. Can't take in anymore liquids so I ate 3 spoonfuls of your powdered gatorade to fight off the hangover. Wish me luck and check me for a pulse when you get in!
So I have to masturbate in a hospital. I wonder what kind of porn they have.
You screamed out "happy birthday Jesus" followed by chugging Bacardi straight out the bottle
It was bad. U were calling my cat "kittiano" and playing her like a piano. Way too drunk my friend.
I got sriracha sauce on my mask while I was eating fast food, now wearing it makes me hungry
I swear I'm an adult. I say as I send my mom to go find me green lucky charms and lady gaga oreos
Randomize