Facebook really needs to add a bikini picture profile tab for girls, it would really save me countless amounts of time!
Dude, Her having kids just means she puts out.
Wait time out. Did I start last night with pants?
What are the signs of a concussion? Please don't freak out.
She bellyflopped onto the poolside bar, broke one wine bottle, and stole another...the resort staff just frowned and cleaned up her mess.
Nothing like buying a handle and a 36 pack with a baby strapped on.
I cannot FaceTime with your penis
Last night I got drunk on margaritas at an Irish pub and came home with only one shoe. I have to get my shit together.
You really know how to show Monday who's boss.
one more hour of this work bullshit and I'm off to get high with your cat.
Kick open the door, strike a pose, steal a boyfriend, end scene.
Oh lord. I have no recollection. I just got up. Surveying the damage. Found phone with messages out by pool. Still have not located my top or determined when i stopped wearing it
It's difficult to focus on bonds when you know your classmate peed in your mouth
She was gone when I unblacked out, but she had nailed her panties to the wall and wrote “Colleen’s Dick”with a sharpie on the wall. No idea where she got a hammer and nail
You’re going to be a doctor, and I’m going to be a trophy wife. We both have goals
I need to get laid. Right now that freshman frat pledge & my Econ professor are the leading candidates
That’s quite a spread
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