I wish we could go back in time and find our best farts ever
I'm sorry..where i come from learning how to exploit a wealthy middle aged man is a right of passage
She's making her own pesto again. Cooking spaghetti in the microwave and "frying" vegetables in the toaster oven. All this while wearing the yellow rubber gloves and saying that the pesto has feelings like a real person. Im terrified.
Writing apology letters and leaving them on peoples doors for your actions is NOT what I want to be doing at 6am.
Can I bring home a duck? Dead serious
I woke up to a shot of jager next to my face. I felt bad for it so i drank it
Omg no. We ate a raw pumpkin last nighr. We dipped it in BBQ sauce.
So while you were living in this woman's apartment, you acquired a room mate, fucked her daughter, and killed her bunny. Worst sitter ever
All I have in my new place is coke and a treadmill.. it's workout Wednesday
Halfway through the night I was hiding in a trashcan. Then I "sobered" up and ran around the house throwing change because I wanted to make my last moments of 2013 charitable.
I'm honestly just now recovering from saint Patrick's day.
First day in a very long time I've done more pushups than bong rips
I don't think it's ever a good night if I'm this hung over and I didn't even get an orgasm out of the deal...
Not sure who they are or where we're going but they just bought me 3 tacos so I'm staying.
Hey. Did I get punched in the face last night?
Yeah. I told you I would and you didn't believe me.
Randomize
