pretty sure mid blowjob I told him I needed to call you and ask you if this was whore-ish. He hid my phone from me.
I'm sorry for what I said earlier...your vagina wouldn't look funny If you had a kid.
sitting in class between the roommates of the two girls i fucked over break. this feels like a bad version of wife swap
That's what you get for fucking someone nicknamed "wiggle worm"
There's something really special about 3:00 in the afternoon drunk that just can't be duplicated at any other time of day.
We just had to use a designated driver to get to night class.
Standing on the street at 6am in Hong Kong drinking beer. Watching all the hookers do the walk of shame from our hotel. How did I get here? Maybe all my bad choices in my life were really good ones?
stumbled upon a picture of an owl staring me in the face. i almost offered him a bong hit.
I don't mean to insult you, but did you leave your training bra in my bedroom last night?
I am in his childhood bedroom and I feel like his trophies are applauding me and his stuffed bunny is disgusted with me. Did you know he was a mathlete?
i just got banned from the m&m's website for trying to get poon slayer written on my custom order
Good news: you're over the drunk crying life phase. Bad news: now you're handy and violent. You were groping me from behind in front of the guy you like, then you put me in a headlock and swept the leg.
My idiot ex texted me on Valentine's day to tell me I was right, he did need a therapist.
I can't. I'm going camping this weekend. I do have a life outside of your dick.
It's OK, I woke up in a drag queen's bed last weekend. It took me forever to get the glitter out of my cleavage.
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