I wish they had a smiley of two girls making out
The dentist just called my mother to confirm the appointment that I made on his answering machine at 4:33 am this morning..
We need to start having sex underwater more often.
the bouncer kept askin you for id just to see how long it would take you to find your pants
Things are going great. I have tons of beer, margaritas, and theres an inflatable swan in the mix.
Apparently i just threw up in the bathroom, i told them i just blew my nose. i don't think they believe me...
It's the eternal vodka... it never seems to go away
at what point last night did i decided to have a photo shoot with your camel toe
Well that's the thing. He does want to take me out... To a strip club. I see this going down a very bad road but you know I'm going to go.
Fucking in bar bathrooms doesn't count as "rushing things"
Turns out I hooked up with a chick who has lupus. I don't know if that's a bucket list thing or not, but it's now on mine. Check.
I think I used my NERF gun during sexual roleplay. Need to re-evaluate my life choices.
Found some boxer briefs on my patio table this morning surrounded by a case worth of empties. Starting to remember why I have rugburn and a sore asshole.
Can I chase this vodka with an onion?
Please tell me I didn't send you a dick pic in the middle of Peter Pan..
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