I got my parents high. They've been watching spongebob for six hours. You cannot tell me I'm not the favorite
Is there a zoo near here? I need to see some penguins like right now..
I am not bailing you of of jail
So I have the professor convinced that the textbook will take another week to deliver. that should give me enough time to replace the cash i spent on strippers.
Sorry if I put you in that 'glad we're hanging out but I'm gonna go fuck your cousin' kind of position
Kristy will be communicating through my phone. Due to her current blood alcohol level, the laws of Pennsylvania, Erie county, and common decency have deemed that she is no longer permitted to have her own phone.
Is it too early to start a donation jar for my 4th of july hospital bills?
Don't look him in the eyes, it like looking at the sun but instead of burning your retinas it makes you wet and vulnerable
You were so drunk you decided to go out of the car window instead of using the door, once you realized what you had just done you said fuck it and went back in through the window
I knew it would be an interesting night when he showed up at my house on a scooter wearing a six foot american flag as a cape.
A horseman, i repeat, a man on a horse downtown just told me i was gorgeous and my friends were not. Not drunk enough.
I mean, I love her. But not "I'll have a threesome with her." Type of love.
i woke up with a kayak in my amazon shopping cart with 1 wrong digit on my credit card and the transaction wasn't going through.
Thanks for leaving me with drunk gabby
Hahahaha why what's happening?
She's sending me morse code through the wall....typical
you know you should be lucky to find the case to my dildo....that means no more random guys at the house!
i looked at my texts in the morning and saw that i had a full conversation with myself via text thinking it was someone else. i rejected myself
Randomize
