wanna go halves on a baby?
i guess i called my mom last night. she wasnt nearly as impressed with what we did in the bathroom as i was
I faked it too. I just spit on your bed.
I was to drunk to walk in jimmy john's so I called and got a pickle delivered to me outside the bar , too much?
Will you please bring me a line of coke at work without asking questions?
We are, if nothing else, classy enough to leave our 10 mini bottles of wine in a polite line on the floor of the movie theater.
we came into the house to find you doing shots by your self and when we told you to stop you locked yourself in the bathroom...
did I at least say anything...
you meowed at us and said you're a cat and cats drink for a living
Having boobs is probably the greatest thing in the world, free booze all around
He threw me over his shoulder and carried me outside, all the while drinking from the bottle of rum he was holding, while my ex watched. I'm winning the break-up.
Just accidentally flashed my junk to the lady helping me try on suits, it was cold in there, I don't think she was impressed.
I threw up off of your balcony and it must have been loud because the dog downstairs went insane.
I literally wonder, frequently, "Will anyone ever fuck me until i go cross eyed for 2 hours again?''
Is it appropriate to send an apology gift to his roommates for breaking the bathroom sink during crazy sex?
We keep making plans but he keeps getting arrested. Such a tease
You do realize it’s only a matter of time before I have a bad day and come home with an alpaca?
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