yah i'm on my way- is everything ok?
i'm holding a walmart bag of my own hot vomit that i closed up with some random chicks hair tie. we r pretty fucking far from ok
Wouldn't pinatas filled with coke be awesome idea for cinco de mayo?
I can hear my liver begging me not to go out tonight
When sleeping with someone new: should you hide the magnum condoms, or let him know what he has to live up to?
He woke up next to me, said I "wasn't naked enough" and fell back asleep. I proceeded to blow him.
He whinnies like a horse when he's cumming. I wish I would have known this before we got into a relationship.
Even when you're down just know that I will always be the one to pour alcohol into your asshole when you're on probation
Dude it's huge. I don't usually like looking at those things, but you're kind of forced to stare that horse in the face.
My dick pics could make it to the popular page on Instagram.
im mad at you for telling me he ejaculated during "let it go." Thanks for ruining the song forever.
It was fine. Until I accidentally shit on his floor.
I think I gave a random lady a dildo
Again?!
For full disclosure: I told my roommates last night that you have a very clean asshole.
A true gentleman never tells. But yes, I did indeed get laid last night
Decided to stay sober a couple days, learned how exceptionally stupid my coworkers are. Might have to quit now. Moral of the story:be careful where you go sober.
Randomize
