now i know why they say having sex with her is the equivalent to licking a pay phone
or how I got to mom's but there is vomit on my shoes. I never thought i'd be recapping with her.
Dude totally calling you out on watching when harry met sally on netflix on demand on april 8th.
Then you ran outside and said you were gonna give the snowman a blowjob
My dad is drinking wine out of a measuring cup. This explains so much.
He got drunk and insisted on licking my eyeball and called it a test of my trust in him.
His concept of male bonding is doing lines in adjacent stalls.
I'd like to be considered more than just his fuck buddy thanks. IVE BEEN RISKING PREGNANCY FOR SEVEN GODDAMN MONTHS I DESERVE THE TITLE OF GIRLFRIEND
Come through the front door when you get here.
Right now I'm so wasted I can't determine whats a door and a window.
I've decided that I'm okay with you getting a goat. I have to get over my completely rational fear of goats somehow.
I saw him and didn't have sex with him. Responsibility five!
i can't even hate his new girlfriend cuz she survived a fucking brain tumor. like that's just not fair.
I'm gonna celebrate Valentines day by watching Bob Ross videos and tripping balls.
THERE ARE LEGITLY 4 SEPARATE BITE MARKS ON MY DICK. WHAT. THE. FUCK.
Legitimately*
Go fuck yourself
What did you give up for lent?
Diet and excersize. And I'm never going back...
Randomize
