I need a shot of tequila, and quick death
Yeah. I woke up naked in his bed this morning and remember saying "Get a condom cuz I can't afford an abortion right now" last night. He didn't run. He's a keeper
Sunscreen. In my vag. I hate summer sex.
When I finally got there you were bleeding all over and you just kept saying over and over that the dog was your only friend at the party.
the lady next to me just sniffed my hair, smiled, and then fell asleep. I almost started crying from that kind of creepiness
don't cry, we can learn from her
This guy needs to come out; I can feel him sucking my dick from across the room.
Just had an old man tip me two dollars and say "here put this in your baby fund, you'll have a baby someday" I swear this is gods way of saying GET ON BIRTH CONTROL NOW!
I used to put Bugles on my penis and pretend it was a wizard.
PLEASE DON'T BE HEARTLESS COME AND GET ME FROM THE BAR I'M HIGH AS SHIT AND I LOST MY SHOES
Is it wrong that I want to do a nude photo shoot with nothing but a light saber?
I just interrupted this girl giving a dude head in a parked car on the south side. Going down on your guy while you're parked in front of your house because you don't want your parents catching you is fine by me, just don't block the fire hydrant.
I would have wore underwear last night if I knew I had to change a tire this morning
Oh my god my purse is too heavy for me to dance with boys cause it has too many stolen sink faucets in it
You stocked up?
No actually didn’t get a chance. If you wouldn’t mind bringing me a brownie and a bottle of Jameson that’d be nice
I need you to know I’m weirdly very sexually attracted to Charlie Puth now
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