i'm at the st pattys day thing. the bar is packed. they just put on celine dion its all coming back to me now. i'm screaming the words.
it's 1 pm.
Woke up to a bouquet of flowers in my toilet bowl. Drunk hubby loves me.
I kind of want you to get arrested just so I could frame an avatar mugshot.
I have pictures of you taking tequila shots off the front of the police car when the cop wasn't looking.
you ate dog biscuits in front of my dogs and laughed at them for not have opposable thumbs
You know it's going to be a good night when you're barking by 8:20.
I will forever remember this as The Great Jalepeno Cock Burn of 2014.
Dude. You dropped to your knees and face planted into the rocks. And continued to talk on the phone and laugh. That's where those cuts came from.
i gotta stop hooking up with people just to get to their dogs
I have a txt file I don't remember making open on my desktop. All it says is "what it's like to be a bat"
Molly I still can't believe u puked in that guys hands and still got laid
Hey, remember that time a week ago when we walk-of-shamed literally down the Vegas Strip at 8:45am and I had one broken heel?
They think I'm one of them. I'm about to get drunk in a Santa suit and bust down the door singing Christmas carols.
I'm too depressed to drink my wine. That is what I would call a serious problem
I'm gonna make out with this 38 yr old. Mark my words. I don't even have daddy issues.
Randomize
